i have another midterm at 6:40, but i'm wasting time on this blog before i go to the library to cram.

tonight is the viewing for kris and i feel so guilty for missing it, but i think he would understand. i've been so down this whole week and i'm scared i'll slip back into the way i was first year and just lay in bed all day and never leave my room. it feels wrong though to be out with my friends celebrating. i've felt so detached from the whole situation and i'm scared that it hasn't really hit me yet. i've been at school with my friends who didn't know him and it just feels so weird that they're going about their normal daily lives while my other friends are devastated at home. it just doesn't feel like he's gone and sometimes i feel as if that feeling never goes away. when people say "forever in our hearts" it's true. there are days when i wake up and i feel like my brother is still here, but then i remember and i just get depressed.

this whole ordeal brings back so many memories of what i went through when my brother passed away. it feels weird to blog about it for everyone to see when i'm not even really comfortable talking about it. sometimes i feel guilty for not talking about it with people and especially when people ask me if i have siblings, i always have that moment of panic where i consider my options. i could either say "no, i'm an only child" which would be lying or tell them about my brother's death which is usually such a downer and it's especially awkward because people never know what to say. when it comes to stuff like this i just feel really awkward telling people who didn't know kris or my brother because i feel like it's not the same because they never knew them.

i'm not a religious person at all, but i really really hope that there is some form of afterlife where i can see them again. i feel like in times like these people either gain greater faith or they lose it. i, for one, don't believe in a higher power because i feel like if there really was a God out there, he wouldn't want us to go through so much suffering. the human life is full of joys, but it's the suffering that happens worldwide that is just so terrible. people like kris and my brother were once so full of life and the people who really shine in groups, but they are taken from us so early. and i hate when people try to tell me that they are now in a better place. if God had any ounce of benevolence, then good people would be allowed to live out their lives to the fullest instead of having it cut short and everyone else is just left to grieve.

i feel like the worst thing about pain like this is that it never hurts less or goes away. you just learn to deal with it better each day. it's been over 2 years since my brother died in a motorcycle accident and i still think of how different my life would be if he were still here. i don't cry every day anymore, but it doesn't mean i miss him any less and i know it will be the same with kris.